Empathy with Zombies

*Brushes off dirt and picks off cobwebs*

This season at the anime club I attend we’re watching both Zombie Land Saga and Shiki, two series in which (and sorry for for this very basic spoiler of both shows) the existence of the undead is integral to the plot of the story. I can’t help but feel a little bit of empathy for these reanimated characters, because for the past couple of months I’ve also kind of felt like I’ve been shuffling around with creaking bones and and a jumbled-up mind.

A while back a YouTuber I follow came back after a fairly lengthy (unplanned) hiatus to talk about what had been going through their mind all that time. What it essentially seemed to boil down to was depression, an old friend that many of us are probably familiar with by now. It tends to sneak up without our awareness and steal all motivation. In this person’s case it dulled their enthusiasm and motivation toward producing videos, until they realized what had happened and had the opportunity to speak to their significant other about it. In my case (and in many previous times as well) it’s stolen my motivation to write, and even to watch anime in the first place.

Did you know that, of series that aired last season, I’ve watched maybe five episodes? I was briefly caught up with LycoReco before just dropping off the face of the anime scene, and that’s about it. I’ve still been participating in my local anime club’s activities, but I’ve felt like a bit of a phony; my enthusiasm for it has just tanked. I missed the deadline for panel submissions for a local con where we usually speak. I’m undecided now if I’ll even end up attending.

I made a vague New Year’s resolution this year to pitch an article to one of the few online anime news/culture outlets I read. And by that, I really did mean to just write and submit a pitch – it didn’t have to result in any sort of published piece to fulfill my goal. Somehow, after solidifying that idea in my mind it seemed like all of my good ideas just melted away into an abyss somewhere. My white board of inspiration has been blank all year. I just haven’t had the brain power to think beyond the narrow boundaries of what little I’ve been watching.

This isn’t the first time this has happened; long time readers (all three of you) have dealt with this from me a few times by now. I went through a divorce several years ago and the site went dormant throughout most of that time. I’m going through fertility treatment again now, too, which I think would probably throw anyone out of their routine. I’m nearly 41 and getting to the point where it’s sort of “now or never” in that regard, and that’s a burden I never anticipated having to deal with. And after a couple of years of successfully dodging it, Covid finally got into our household back in August and I feel like nothing’s been quite right since then. Everything is just kind of… a lot.

And so, I’ve just kind of been shuffling around through life lately, unable to focus how I’d like, carrying a lot of other things around in my brain that just aren’t conducive to being creative or even thinking about anything. Despite the fact that this isn’t a new feeling, it’s also not something I’ve learned to effectively cope with over the years, so I’m left just having to let it work itself out and eventually pass. In the meantime I’ve been doing a lot of knitting (for holiday gifts) and watching pointless YouTube videos.

I’m sure you’re all wondering if there will be reviews of new anime. I’m… trying. I’ve been following my normal process this season up to the point of actually watching anything. I can’t really say I’ve been unaffected by the Crunchyroll dub unionization issue – while I don’t watch dubs, I do care about ethical business practices and knowing even some part of their crummy behavior has left me feeling unenthused. The trouble is that they’re now becoming a monopoly, leaving me with few options if I want to actually keep up on shows. It’s just kind of a shit feeling to be conflicted about wanting to do right, you know?

This has gotten very rambling. I do want to say bluntly that I do care about this website and I do care about anime. I’m mostly just having a tough time getting motivated and being able to focus on much beyond my personal situation at the moment. And to be blunt – if this were my actual job it’d be one thing, but I don’t make a living from writing, nor do I intend to, so it’s an easy thing to let fall by the wayside when I’m dealing with other outside issues.

At worst, I’ll try to be back soon with something inconsequential to try to get back in a writing mode. What that might be I’m not sure (probably some irreverent listicle type thing) but I hope it’ll help produce some better momentum before this anime season is already in everyone’s rear-view mirror.