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Personal

Blue Blazes and Attempting to Tame the Imposter

This essay contains spoilers for the Japanese live-action series Blue Blazes.

I’d wager that most of you reading only know me for my writing here and perhaps from my occasional self-inflicted speaking engagements at local Minnesota conventions. Part of my day job involves providing specialized onboarding and ongoing training in a professional setting. It’s a job I sort of fell into after a while, but I enjoy being able to help people along in their learning processes, and it’s also nice to be the person with all (or at least most) of the answers.

One thing I’ve learned over the years as I’ve tried to independently become a better trainer, is that adult learners tend to operate on a fairly predictable continuum when it comes to learning a new task or process. Before they start hands-on training, most folks are eager and willing to learn a new task. It’s kind of an “ignorance is bliss” state of being, because whether or not they’ve done any pre-reading or observation before embarking on their learning process, they still don’t always have a full picture of what the upcoming task entails. Once they’re actually starting to perform the task is when vulnerability and self-doubt creeps in – they’re confronted by portions of the task that they didn’t expect or don’t understand right away, and their confidence dips. This is natural and expected; most folks go on to build their skills and become proficient in time. However, the time period while they’re still learning can be a struggle, especially for those of us who are prone to self-doubt. It’s the feeling of being a sort of imposter, fooling everyone around you into believing that you’re good enough to do something that you’re still unsure of.

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Personal Special Features

Anime Club no Densetsu: A Tale of Enduring Respect

Note: This story involves mention of an Islamophobic comment in a group setting.

Hello everyone, and welcome back to another long-overdue edition of my anime club storytelling series. Since it’s been quite a while, I’ll reiterate that I wanted to start a blog series about interesting and positive experiences I’ve had as a long-time member of a certain university anime club, because most of the material I see online that’s related to anime clubs is dismissive or derisive. Obviously in environments where many people come together over a shared hobby, there will always be some conflicts; having one thing in common doesn’t automatically mean people will end up being best friends with one-another. But I think there are good reasons to join an anime club or an anime-related group (whatever label you want), and I want to use my voice to speak for that side of the argument.

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Anime Reviews Personal Reviews

The Fleeting Beauty of Youth and the Persistent Beauty of Youthfulness – Pretty Boy Detective Club

When I started high school, some friends of mine told me that our school building had a tunnel system that could be accessed from some of the classrooms. When the campus was first constructed in the mid-1950’s, it included a nuclear fallout shelter; that’s what these tunnels were originally for. Calling them “tunnels” was generous, too, because they weren’t meant to accommodate the height of a person standing (I suppose the assumption was, if they were getting used, the folks inside would be huddled heads-to-knees while the bombs went off outside).

When I heard about the existence of these tunnels and saw the few grainy photographs my friends had taken during their time investigating them, I immediately wanted my own opportunity to explore. We all picked a day to stay after school and hoped that there wouldn’t be too many teachers around to thwart our efforts. Unfortunately we seemed to get caught during every attempt we made to poke around shelves and move potted plants in order to uncover access panels, and were continually shooed away. After a while we just gave up on the effort and moved on to other shenanigans.

I’ve never really forgotten about those tunnels and my desire to poke my head inside them, but like so many things that happened (or didn’t) around 9th grade I kind of made peace with the fact that I’d probably never see firsthand what was hidden down there beneath the floor. It was kind of like when I tried out for the fall play and was the only one of my friends who didn’t make the cut, or when my undiagnosed learning disabilities and complete lack of study skills finally caught up with me in math class, despite my aspirations of becoming a “game programmer” – I was forced to wrestle with the reality of what was and wasn’t possible for me to accomplish by my own skills and gained some sobering perspective on my limitations.

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Personal

It’s a Point of Pride

I’ve always had a weird relationship with sexuality.

Now that I’ve gotten your attention, I’ll rewind a bit to say that while I don’t typically make a huge effort to get personal in my writing, it seems to happen just a matter of course. While I’ve tried several times over the years to scrub myself from my writing and present a more objective viewpoint, I’ve slowly but surely come to the realization that the writing I like to read and to write always has the aura of the writer behind it allowing it to glow and pulse with life. So I’ve started to embrace the fact that my writing is often just another expression of the very flawed, messy person that I am, doing my best to express feelings that I have difficulty sharing in any other way.

Having whiled away the past several months mostly with very limited interaction with anyone outside my household, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about who I am and why I feel the way that I do about various things. One of the biggest things I’ve been forced to accept about myself is that I have a huge case of imposter syndrome that’s unlikely to go away any time soon. I often feel like I’m just not good enough at anything that I try to accomplish, and that anyone who thinks otherwise must be fooled somehow (because apparently being terrible at everything else somehow makes one a genius at manipulating other people). I’ve done a lot of work to try to stop my brain from obsessing over these thoughts, but I think these feelings of inadequacy are just a part of who I am. The best I can do is use those feelings to work toward fitting into the shoes of the person that people seem to think I am.

I promise this is going somewhere.

Categories
Anime Reviews Personal Reviews

To Love and Be Loved – Ash’s Legacy in “Banana Fish”

Note: This post contains spoilers through the very end of Banana Fish.

I suspect it’s common to go through periods of questioning one’s value to the world. At least, it’s common for me, because I have a terrible history of low self-esteem and imposter syndrome. If there are folks out there reading this who’ve always been perfectly confident about themselves or discovered the secret to mental well-being, well, please teach me your secrets. I spend possibly too much time worrying about what I have to offer to the world and whether I’m worthy of love, and I suspect that’s likely why I grew so attached to the narrative in 2018’s Banana Fish adaptation.

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Fashion Personal Special Features

A Fashion By Any Other Name

Content Warning: Discussion of various beauty standards.

When I meet people for the first time and they ask me about my hobbies, I’m pretty free with information related to my anime fannishness. It’s never been something that I’ve actively hid away from anyone, but there were definitely moments in the past where I thought twice about being open about it. At the rate I watch anime (and manage to hold down a full-time job), I probably shouldn’t have a lot of time or money left-over to pursue anything else. But I do happen to have other interests (surprising, I know), and one of them I tend to hold above the others even if it’s a little difficult to talk about.

Since my early college days I’ve been a fan of lolita fashion, and for the last several years I’ve been a collector and wearer of it. Anime Feminist, a site I hold in fairly high regard, recently had a feature on lolita fashion that did a good job of clearing up some of the misconceptions people tend to have about it. It got me thinking about the reasons why it initially appealed to me, and why I still enjoy it even as I creep onward toward middle age.

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Opinion Personal

If You Can’t Say Something Nice…

Of course we all know how that adage ends – “…then don’t say anything at all.” But that’s difficult to do when you’ve started to make a habit of sharing your anime opinions online. As a hobbyist writer and reviewer, I think it’s important to have a good attitude toward what media you’re examining, but sometimes that can be a challenge and no one can be expected to enjoy everything that they watch. I think fandom spaces in general aren’t always the best spaces for nuanced discourse, because they’re filled with passionate feelings and not everyone is interested in taking a deep look at why they like or dislike certain material. It’s just kind of how it is.

Irina wrote recently about anime fandom’s bad habit of bringing down the level of its own discourse by confusing the act of having negative opinions about a particular anime with expressing negative feelings toward fans of said anime, which is a subject I’ve been forced to think about a lot over the years. Alongside her own thoughts, though, she also issued a challenge: for those of us out in the blogosphere to say something nice about our lowest-rated series on whatever anime tracker we use. I thought that sounded like a fun challenge. Even as a pessimist (don’t mind me, it’s just a coping mechanism), I feel like I’m generally pretty good at finding the silver lining in most of what I watch.

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Personal

Goodbye, Osamu Kobayashi

This past weekend I learned of the death of animator and director Osamu Kobayashi from kidney cancer at the young age of 57. It’s uncommon that I follow the careers of anyone in particular in the anime industry aside from a few big-name directors because I have a poor memory for names, but there are a few folks whose work has interested me over the years and Kobayashi happens to have been one of them.

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Personal

Anime Club no Densetsu: The Tale of the Buzzing Fansub Tape

People seemed to enjoy my previous reflection on my time in anime club, even though it became more a stealth examination of the complicated emotions that come from wanting to belong to a group. I hope folks didn’t mind a little bit of a bait-and-switch. This time, though, I’d like to talk about something a little bit lighter, though I can’t promise that my musings won’t wander a little before the end.

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Personal

Seasonal Previews and Why I’m Terrible at Them

Me, about a week ago: “Wait, crap, the new anime season is about to start!”

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few months trying to get into a rhythm with my anime writing, and I think, compared to some, eh, historical periods of time around the blog, I’ve been doing okay. I achieved my goal of writing first impressions of all the new (non-sequel) series from Winter 2021, kept up with several of them for a least a few weeks, and naturally let ones drop off as I lost interest. It was pretty much an ideal situation for me, as I see it. I also had time to write a few longer-form, more philosophical posts, and that made me happy even though I suspect they tend to be a little uncomfortable to read and thus of less interest to people just looking for information on new anime (which is fine).