Categories
Opinion

You Don’t Need a Map to Know Where You’re Going

“Laid-Back Camp” lets us soak up pleasant feelings without really having anywhere to go.

I think a lot about anime (obviously), and also about the way in which I consume it, as should be evident by my earlier post regarding my totally-not-superhuman ability to watch a lot of it in a short amount of time. Years of reading reviews and lurking on message boards, as well as trying and failing to participate in message board discussions without getting into weird, unintended arguments, has told me that my way of thinking about anime (and other storytelling media, by extension) is probably kind of strange and a little contrary to the norm. This isn’t a “look at me, I’m such a special snowflake” statement, just an acknowledgement that I recognize my critical eye has some… astigmatism.

I hear people chatting all the time about an anime’s “plot.” Where the plot is going, what should happen next in the plot, is this or that thing that happened indicative of a plot hole (don’t get me started on that one)… examining this structural aspect of an anime series is very important to a lot of people, and certainly one broad way of discussing and interpreting media in general. In the modern anime fandom, this type of discussion is a huge part of participating in that fandom, and writers ranging from amateur-level bloggers (for example, myself) to professional staff writers for bigger anime and fandom websites post recaps and dissections of weekly episodes from their favorite (or occasionally obligatory) series all the time. This is awesome for people like me who are put off by certain things and might want to seek out more details about certain kinds of content (for example, I needed to be sure that After the Rain was not actually a romance between its two protagonists before I was willing to invest the time to finish it).

However, speaking as someone who’s written them, the downside of weekly recaps is that one can feel compelled to pick at every last detail with a fine-toothed comb and analyze every single action of the characters and movement of the story, because otherwise a half-hour episode of your typical anime series can be exceedingly difficult to write about at length. With a word count to reach and a deadline to meet, what’s the easiest thing to write about? What happened, who it happened to, and where they might be going, that’s what. There are writers who are definitely better than I am at this, but I only read these types of reviews piecemeal and occasionally so I can’t really call out the “good” ones. I personally have a lot of trouble with that format because it’s just not the way I feel comfortable interacting with media and I don’t gain much pleasure from it. At best, it can be a satisfying way to go back and examine something I’ve already watched or read once I’m familiar with it.

It wasn’t until fairly recently that I got a better handle on my beef with this line of thinking. Maybe this is more a function of being a woman in internet fandom circles, or maybe it’s that I tend to be emotional and sensitive in general as part of my nature, but I’ve had several run-ins with people during which I’ve been criticized for having a strong feeling about something, instead of basing my opinions on some sort of measurable “logic.” Man, almost nothing rankles me like someone telling me that pure, unfeeling logic is somehow superior to emotion-based reactions. Never mind the fact that “pure logic” almost always seems to actually mean “cherry-picked realities that align with my own emotional investment in the topic that I refuse to acknowledge as being emotional,” the simple truth is that our lives are informed every single day by the facts and realities of daily life and emotional fallout from our many ways of perceiving them. And sometimes the things that people say and do, or the things that happen, just don’t align with some nonexistent grand logical scheme running the universe. Our lives are full of dead-ends, poor decisions, standalone moments of extreme elation, fruitful conversations, wasted time… we’re a mess. Society is a mess. The stories we tell are sometimes (always) just an extension of that.

That’s why I don’t really care that much to pick-apart plot. It’s true, there are some stories that are entertaining to me just because they’re what I’d call “page-turners” (each episode ends in a cliffhanger, and the show doesn’t seem to have a super-deep message – Attack on Titan is one of these types of series I’ve really liked), there are so many more I find enjoyable because they provide a window into a character’s life, or create a fascinating new world, or speak to some truth about being human. Sometimes these series might initially imply a certain story arc but start to turn in a different direction, or sometimes there’s not really a grand story to tell in the first place. I’m more than willing to let a show with a fascinating premise carry me where it wants to go and I’ll then consider the whole package, even if it’s not where I expected to be going. I’m also on-board when an anime exists to cultivate an emotion, rather than drag me along to some concrete destination where a person does a thing because of reasons.

“The Perfect Insider” is as much Nishinosono’s story as anyone else’s.

Whenever I start mulling over this topic, I inevitably start thinking of examples of anime that I really liked for the above stated reasons, which anime fandom as a whole was cold towards. The Perfect Insider is one of those shows that I really loved (and wrote weekly recaps of… whoops), but which the larger fandom and many other reviewers just did not like at all. The series is a tough nut to crack, not only because of some of its subject matter (murder, statutory rape, the nature of genius, etc.), but because it (wrongfully, in my opinion) markets itself as a murder mystery tale. Contrary to first impressions, the point of story has more to do with deciding whether the type of intellectual existence Saikawa-Sensei and Dr. Magata strive towards has any value and less to do with figuring out the identity of the murderer. It’s also a snapshot of the consequences of nourishing and celebrating a gifted, precocious intelligence without also encouraging (or insisting upon!) normal, age-appropriate emotional development. There were a lot of critics and fans who seemed to be frustrated over the series as they watched its final few episodes, not just because of the ways in which the “mystery” resolved itself, but even more so because the enigmatic figure at the center of it all, the striking young genius Dr. Magata, was ultimately motivated by a set of rules and standards that were perceived as illogical and ridiculous.

To me, The Perfect Insider was a real punch in the gut, though I’d be hard-pressed to provide a concrete reason. I think I connected with it because it reaffirmed for me that, as much as humankind worships the notion of transcending the limitations of its basic meat-based form and reaching some higher plane of mental existence (as Dr. Magata ostensibly has done and Saikawa-sensei wishes like hell he could figure out how to do), what defines them is their infallible passion, pain, joy, feeling as represented by Nishinosono Moe, who is highly intelligent, but not an intellectual the way that Saikawa or Magata are portrayed. I didn’t care so much about the details of how the perpetrator overwrote the lab’s security camera footage (though that was neat, too!), or how a second person arrived in Dr. Magata’s locked room without anyone realizing it (that was easy to figure out after a certain point). What I connected with was the story of Nishinosono’s past and her passionate devotion to bringing Saikawa back to reality time and again (two things that are actually related), as well as Dr. Magata’s truly tragic life, the sadness of which I don’t think many people must have realized.

I have too many examples of these types of anime experiences to list here, but I hope this one helps to at least explain what I look for in a viewing experience. Watching anime, to me, isn’t like clutching a map in one hand and a compass in the other, marking off landmarks as I make my way from A to B. Watching anime is more like hiking to the top of a tall hill and breathing the crisp, clean air as the sun warms my face, or a summer storm drops rain suddenly, or fog drifts by below. If I decide I’m where I want to be, then I can be open to almost anything that happens (unless it’s that one-in-a-million time that a bird flies by and poops in my mouth – I’m looking at you, Gangsta.). As my husband likes to say, some of the best series out there are those with the lowest stakes; shows in which no demon king needs defeating, no items need to be obtained, and no damsels/dudes/cute animals need rescuing from the clutches of evil. Sometimes it’s better to stop anticipating the next step and just enjoy the way that life unfolds around us. Or to just accept that anime series don’t always cater to our own expectations, and maybe being passive and open in the face of the unexpected is okay, too.

We all consume media in our own way – this is just an explanation of mine. And heck, it’s served me well for years. What’s your favorite way of enjoying the shows you like? Let me know in the comments!

Categories
Personal

Timeliness Versus Happiness

Me in my natural habitat, wearing lolita fashion at an anime convention while drinking bubble tea.

It dawned on me recently that I’ve been writing and blogging about anime off and on for about ten years. In those ten years, the landscape of anime fandom has changed dramatically.

Back in Spring 2007, I was still posting my thoughts about anime on Livejournal(!). That season was huge for new anime – over 60 new anime series, including classics that people still enjoy today like Tengen Toppa Gurren LagannLucky Star, and Big Windup!. There were also several sleeper hits and some lesser-known series that were great, but may not have been quite so influential, like Toward the TerraThe Skull ManBokurano, and Moribito: Guardian of the Spirit. It was even the season during which my favorite anime, Dennou Coil, was first broadcast. If you want to read more about great anime from this year, you can check out The Fandom Post’s “10 Years Later” retrospective article series. As much as I’d personally love to talk in detail about all of my favorite anime series from that year, that’s not really what this post is about.

As I mentioned before, our ways of engaging with anime and anime fandom have changed quite a bit in the last ten years. In 2007, watching anime week-to-week was a lot less user-friendly or intuitive. Simulcast streams didn’t exist; keeping up with weekly broadcasts meant either living in Japan and watching them on television (not a possible reality for most of us), or finding a less scrupulous way of obtaining them via bittorrent, generally with some turnaround time built-in since unofficial translators needed to get the raw first. It was a pain in the ass to gain a comprehensive view of the anime coming out every quarter, just because the information wasn’t centralized and neither was the distribution. When I started my “S1E1” project (thanks forever to Boris for the catchy title), I did it because I wanted to keep up with the anime fandom, (selfishly) wanted to help keep my friends in the anime fandom, and had a strong desire to keep writing creatively about the fandom into which I was putting a lot of my energy. I decided to be that person who put in the leg work of checking out all the available anime shows and who had the “inside scoop” on what was worthwhile.

For a long time I think I filled that void. The Anime News Network seasonal preview guides have been around for a long time, but they didn’t always cover every season, so I felt that I was of some use there. Most anime discussion also seemed to take place in forums, too, so I wanted a different platform where I could share my thoughts. I started with a more typical website first (thanks again, Boris) and then ended up with the blog format that was a closer precursor to what I’m doing nowadays. I wasn’t a great writer then – I had one dude who liked to pick on me for my propensity to use the word “crap” to describe zero-effort junk shows, which was lazy (but kind of funny, let’s be honest with ourselves), but I was enthusiastic, and did my best to cover every anime that I could find. I gained a modest but friendly following of readers – many people I knew in person, but others who just happened to stop by and say “hi.” I interacted with cool people in the anime fandom over Twitter once Twitter became a “thing.” It was pretty awesome and I loved doing it.

It was a few years ago that many things started to change and I kind of lost my place. I started encountering a lot of personal setbacks in my “real life” that had little to do with anime and my fandom journey, but in reality were probably more intertwined than I knew at the time. I had also started getting harassed via the comments on the website. I remember one specific time very vividly – I had set up the commenting system to send an email to me from which I could approve or delete it as a moderator. I got a little bit giddy whenever I got a comment – people were reading and responding! One night while I was out at a restaurant with a group of friends, I got an email notification for a comment in the queue for approval. When I went to read it, the person writing it had used some of the most vile language I’ve read to tell me that I was wrong about an anime that they liked and that I deserved to die. I dropped my phone on the table, stunned, and then cried in the bathroom afterwards. I was getting called the “C” and “B” words fairly frequently, too. I’ll admit it; I’m a people-pleaser in my heart and ignoring the trolls wasn’t something I could do. That, plus the fact that someone I was close to at the time criticized the way I was doing things in the first place, spelled the death knell of my “career” in amateur anime blogging, at least for the time being.

In the couple of years between when the previous incarnation of this blog died out and when I came back online, the anime fandom landscape had become a very different place. With very few exceptions, new anime series are available same-day with subtitles legally and easily, at least in the United States. Crunchyroll and Funimation were definitely around a few years ago, but now they, and other services from Amazon, Hulu, and Netflix, are ubiquitous. Tons of websites, from ANN to Kotaku to The Fandom Post, do their own variations on seasonal preview guides and have multiple writers weighing in on new shows. Feminism is no longer a unique topic of discussion, either; a while back I felt like I was a lonely outlier when I talked about fanservice in anime and a few others on twitter weighed-in. Now Anime Feminist does all that and more, from many different perspectives. In any case, I’ve taken this to mean that there’s really no longer a hole to fill in the anime fandom; where once I was one of a few people going it alone, taking my dumb vanity project and somehow making it work out, now anime fandom is slowly becoming mainstream, and most people know exactly where to find out about the new anime that they might like and how they can watch it.

It’s become more than apparent that I, working alone, cannot possibly be timely with my anime first impressions in the way that websites with multiple writers can (unless I take the first week or so of every new season off from my day job, which isn’t happening). Though it might not be readily obvious from the quality of my writing I can be kind of a perfectionist, at least as far as being able to get my true thoughts and feelings across in my reviews and previews. I will not be able to match the speed and consistency of a big website that has 8 or 9 writers pouring their energy into watching and reviewing new anime. I can’t do weekly episode recaps of the shows I watch, because I watch enough that I end up only getting to some them near the end of the season and then bingeing them before I have to speak about anime at my next convention. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I am not a superwoman, and I’m not going to consider quitting my day job (which I enjoy and find fulfilling anyway).

Why talk about all this? Well, since I took over control of the S1E1 domain name and finally reestablished the blog, I’ve been writing about anime in fits and starts without much consistency. With each new season of anime, I’ve tried to be more accountable, pledging (if only to myself) that I’ll get to each new show quickly and cover all of them within a certain amount of time. And each time I’ve failed to attain that goal and fallen back into a writing depression that lasts for a season or two. I even served a stint writing for The Fandom Post, which I thought would make me accountable to something greater than myself and perhaps counteract my depression and anxiety about writing – obviously I couldn’t make that work at the time, either. It sucks, but I think that the problem is more that I’ve been trying to meet a goal that’s not realistic for me and I’ve been setting myself up to fail time and time again. Failure is a great motivator for some, but to me repeated failures have almost always morphed into ugly reasons to quit. And really, my time is so, so precious – I still go to a weekly anime club. I like to go out with my family and partner. I like to spend time gaming and dressing in lolita fashion. I have more work responsibilities now and my work days tend to be longer. My life is very full, and it’s a happy life that I wouldn’t trade for anything. But that means that there are just some things that aren’t going to get immediate attention, and first episode reviews seem to be one of those things.

I’ve made it my more realistic goal going forward to cover all the shows of the season to the best of my ability, no matter how long that takes. I realize that this will mean that, by the time I’m writing about some anime, it might be a little bit late in the season. There will already be several other opinions out there for people to find and read days and weeks before mine are available. I’m deciding right now that that’s okay. Because I’m just one person, and the amount of anime writing I’ve done over the past ten years, and the speaking I’ve done in person about anime, and the conventions I’ve attended, surpass what many people have the ability and drive to do, and I am so lucky to have even been able to try. And I’m going to be proud of my accomplishments rather than ashamed of my perceived failures. And who knows? Maybe just getting the writing done will help me improve someday. I’m sure the next ten years worth of anime will carry with it so many things worth exploring – and writing about!

Categories
Conventions Personal Special Features

Anime Detour 2017 – Panel Materials and Convention Reactions

It me.

Hi all. It’s now been a couple of weeks since Anime Detour 2017, and I figured it was about time for me to post all of my goodies for everyone to look at (not my physical goodies, baka, my panel materials!). Below are panel materials from panels that I (Jessi) and/or J.C. presented throughout the course of the convention, along with a description and some thoughts and reactions. I release these free of charge (obviously) but ask that, if you re-appropriate these materials in some way, please give us a shout-out and perhaps link back to this webpage. Many of these contain clips from copyrighted anime series, used for the purposes of education or criticism. We do not own them, but they are presented because we appreciate them! Info on where to purchase them or watch them online legally is included where applicable. If any of the links have expired, just leave a comment and I can update them.

If anyone has any photos of us that they are willing to share, let me know! We are terrible at taking photos or getting them taken of us at conventions because we’re so busy, so being able to capture those memories with the help of others is always a necessity.

Friday, April 7th

Prior to my arrival at the convention (it’s a long story, but the short of it is that I could not arrive to the convention hotel until later on Friday evening), J.C. and our friend Helen ran an annual quiz-game of J.C.’s invention called Anime by Numbers which apparently went over extremely well! It’s a trivia game that works much better than any anime trivia I’ve seen, for one very good reason – to play, one does not really have to have seen any of the series in question. Scoring points relies on being closest to the numerical answer to the questions, and even people very familiar with the shows will have a hard time remembering the exact numbers (I should know, I’ve helped to write some of the questions, and I’ve only been able to do so by re-watching and counting things very closely in several anime series). J.C. wrote the game program himself and added in a timer this year, which kept things moving. It sounds like he also had some good teams with great participation. I wish someone had gotten some video of it since I couldn’t be there, but alas!

Manga for Grown-Ups
PowerPoint Presentation
Handout

“Manga for Grown-Ups” is a yearly recommendation panel that I give in order to highlight available manga that might appeal to older or more experienced fans. As I mention before both of my “Grown-Ups” panels, this isn’t meant to somehow make a quality judgment about manga I deem for “grown-ups” and manga for a wider audience, but I do think it’s worthwhile to point out pieces of media that might appeal to fans who don’t have as much of an interest in series that focus on the exploits of middle-and-high-school students in a more basic fashion. Personally, I have pretty wide tastes, but I also know that, once you start to creep into your late 20’s it can become more difficult to relate to the anime fandom at large and many of the popular series unless you have something keeping you in the loop, so that’s kind of the point I try to make.

This year I think all the manga I featured are available in physical form, with a couple of titles also available in some sort of online form (Crunchyroll or Comixology being the main ones). I’m going to have to check out Crunchyroll’s new paid manga distribution service (currently in beta I think – I got an update to the Android app a few weeks before the convention and only just noticed that it was there) since there might be something on there that’s not available otherwise.

Don’t Judge an Anime by its Cover
List of Openings/Endings Used
Folder with Openings/Endings Used

This is a yearly game we do which serves to poke fun at the fact that many opening or ending animations attached to anime series don’t make sense or are deceptive in some way. We try to get people to think creatively because the point isn’t to “guess” what the show is actually about – it’s to come up with something hilarious and give everyone a good laugh.

We had a great year this year, since we were able to utilize a program that J.C. had written to randomize the entries and clean things up again (much better than me pulling numbers out of a hat and clicking on videos in a Windows folder!). I also got rid of some of the old random manga that was clogging up my shelves, so win-win.

 

Saturday, April 8th

I run the AMV Contest for the convention, so much of the morning was taken up with those activities. We had a great set of entries this year! A list of finalists and winners is available in my previous post if you’re curious. Local AMV Editor SliceofLife uploaded a video she recorded of the Sunday awards ceremony to her YouTube channel, if you’re interested in hearing J.C. talk and present awards (the mic wasn’t working, and I didn’t want to strain my voice too much, so I let him be loud!).

The Cosplay/Masquerade was also on Saturday, but we weren’t around for it. I haven’t attended the Cosplay competition in many years, probably since I stopped being a greenroom volunteer however many years ago. We tried to catch some of it on the hotel’s closed-circuit TV feed, but that wasn’t working, and neither was the live stream… so we ended up getting dinner instead. Luckily I’ve seen most of the costumes in photo form online at this point, thanks to the great photographers at the con.

Anime for Grown-ups
PowerPoint Presentation
Handout

This panel is much like “Manga for Grown-Ups,” though it naturally focuses on the anime side. Once again, it’s not a quality judgment in and of itself, just something to help keep older anime fans in the loop and in the fandom. I do this panel annually and normally like to include some older stuff, but there was a lot of great anime from the past year or so that really fit the bill so I didn’t have to reach too far back into the archives. I think next year will probably swing back towards older anime though; so much of it is getting picked back up by companies like Rightstuf and Discotek that there are tons of options out there!

I got to meet a lot of great fans as a result of this panel; people even stopped me in the hallway to talk, which is something that I haven’t experienced much in the past. I no longer have a strong online footprint due to many factors, so it was really nice to feel like I was part of a strong local fandom group again.

Visual Storytelling
PowerPoint Presentation
Handout

This was very much J.C.’s baby, but as tends to be the case when one of us is more the “show-runner,” I served as color commentator while he provided the meaty bulk of the presentation. This was inspired somewhat by the “Every Frame a Painting” focused on director Edgar Wright’s visual comedy; our idea being that anime often does a great job of conveying ideas, moods, and story through visual means rather than just script and dialog, especially since animation in general is a medium that is so reliant on care being put into the visual presentation since it’s created from scratch. There are lots of good examples in there of anime you’ve probably seen and heard of, as well as some you might not be as familiar with (but that we both really like).

I think probably one of my favorite parts of the panel talks about background/setting; I find that it’s often one of the markers of a quality anime when there’s care put into establishing the setting, whether that be your typical high school setting or something a little more fantastic. Some anime are recognizable immediately from their background artwork.

In helping out a bit with this panel, it got me wanting to take a crack at the subject myself sometime. Whether or not that actually happens is up in the air, since I’m a terrible procrastinator and have trouble following-through.

Anime About Anime
PowerPoint Presentation

This is a panel we presented at Anime Fusion 2016. I wanted to try to make a few edits since we ran slightly over our time at that convention, but I ran out of time leading up to Anime Detour and couldn’t make the cuts that I wanted to make. And then we ended up going even longer and I didn’t even get to play all my videos. Oh well. Usually I’m better at time management, but there was just too much we wanted to say and not enough time to say it.

Anyway, this panel (unofficially known as the “Shirobako fan panel”) focused on anime that tells the story of how anime itself is created, and what we can learn about the industry from that. We go into more detail about the anime creation process (at least in a general sense; there’s a lot of variation and obviously I don’t work in the animation industry so can’t speak from my own experience). I would have liked to also have added something about Girlish Number, which is a newer anime from the past season about voice acting with some peripheral and very cynical ideas about the anime industry, but like I said I ran very short on time. So if this subject is of interest to you… go check out Girlish Number as well! Sakuga Blog is also a great resource about the animation aspect itself; I’ve learned a lot about the animation process and specific animators more recently from that website.

 

Sunday, April 9th

For whatever reason, Sunday always feels most busy of the three days of the convention. Maybe because it’s the shortest and our biggest panel (Shiny New Anime) is usually on that day. Maybe it’s because I’m already tired by that point and usually schedule myself up to the final time slot. Either way, though I’m happy when it’s over with, I’m also sad that it’s done, if you understand what I’m saying.

Shiny New Anime
PowerPoint Presentation
Handout

This is the panel I’ve been a part of the longest (with a rotating set of co-panelists), and is usually the biggest panel that we do as well. It’s interesting to me, because there are several other “recommendation” style panels at the convention focused on newer anime, and even newer anime that’s not entirely mainstream (though with Crunchyroll, Funimation, Netflix, Amazon… it feels like almost all anime is mainstream nowadays!). I don’t feel like we are filling in some sort of niche any longer or telling people something that they don’t already know, but people are very kind and supportive anyway and I feel privileged that so many people like to come to this one!

Last year was a great year for new anime, as this list attests (there were even enough great shows that there were some I know I didn’t get to in time for the convention – look for those at Anime Fusion later this year). Most years are pretty good for anime, and there’s always at least something out there each season worth watching. But this past year had a ton of great shows for fans of almost all anime genres.

What is Anime?
PowerPoint Presentation

We got more joke comments about this one than any other panel we presented, I think. And for good reason – why put a panel called “What is Anime?” on the schedule for an anime convention at all, let alone on Sunday afternoon of an anime convention? I know it sounds silly. The panel itself actually grew out of a discussion that J.C. and I had been having one day following some stupid internet drama revolving around an anime-inspired music video. The idea of what actually qualifies as “anime” has grown and changed throughout my time as an anime fan, and been debated over and over again as Western artists become more openly-influenced by the visual aesthetics and storytelling styles prevalent in Japanese animation. So this panel was kind of a discussion about that, with the goal being to try and open people’s minds a bit or at least get them not to worry so much about it. I used to be very much on the conservative side of the “anime” definition, but now that anime has been around in the world’s consciousness for a while and there’s so much intermingling between animators (at least the big-name famous ones), it seems pointless to be so strict (though I’m still not to the point of thinking it doesn’t matter at all, since without at least a few vague guidelines, why bother making a distinction at all?).

The point is really that it’s a more complicated question than one might think at first, and though our audience was pretty small, I think we ended up with a pretty decent discussion. Take that, haters!

We, along with Dave (Anime Detour head of Programming), ended the con with a small (but surprisingly well-attended for the time of day) panel focused entirely on the anime series Erased. I liked the show quite a bit before that, but participating in the discussion about it and hearing others reflect on the various things that they enjoyed or didn’t enjoy about it made me appreciate just how successful the show was at so many things. We’re currently re-watching it in anime club, and even I was sort of surprised by how suspenseful the show remained despite the fact that I already knew all the big twists and turns the story was going to take. When I originally bought it I grumbled about the high price of the Blu-ray sets ($90 a pop for 6 episodes each, ugh), but even though I still think that it’s too expensive I don’t feel bad about it, since there’s clearly some re-watch value.

 

Closing Thoughts

I went into the convention this year with a terrible attitude, mostly because my prep time was truncated and I felt like I just wasn’t 100% going into the convention. J.C. and I are likely looking at starting a family in the near future (something I never thought I would want to do, but sometimes time and circumstances change one’s outlook on those things), and while I won’t let that completely take me away from the convention activities that I enjoy doing, I do realistically realize that I won’t be able to put my full self into it for a while after babby is formed. So that thought was on my mind as the convention loomed on the horizon and I also felt like my career was robbing me of my precious time (not worth going into it in detail because it’s not the job’s fault, but I knew a year ahead of time that I wouldn’t be able to take time off for the con and that ended up sucking).

I have to say though, for as crabby as I was when I showed up to the hotel on Friday evening (and I was really crabby), I had just an incredible weekend. All mishaps were minor, all successes were greater than expected, and I for once felt that I was on my game and knew what I was doing, at least in the moment. I have a terrible case of impostor syndrome, partly just because that’s how I am, but partly because I’ve encountered rudeness online and in person that have made me question my ability to talk competently about anime. Even though I love anime more than just about any other fandom I’ve ever been a part of! But people were so kind, encouraging, and open all weekend, and it really reminded me why I love conventions and Anime Detour in particular. I don’t really believe in luck as an active force in the universe, but I do consider myself incredibly lucky to have been able to know so many of the people I have in my life, because it’s through them that I’ve gotten to be the type of fan I am now (seriously – if my friends hadn’t invited me to help out on Anime Detour staff like 10 years ago, I probably never would have done so many panels and all the things that have come with that). I’m glad I get a wonderful yearly reminder of those influences (also a reminder of how I should try harder to stay in contact with people, since otherwise I turn into a homebody who never leaves the house!).

I’m looking forward to the new location for the con next year. I know a lot of people are a little apprehensive, and it’s a big change – from the suburbs to downtown Minneapolis, it’ll be a big cultural shift – but I’m positive the con will continue to be the great event it’s been for the many years I’ve been an attendee and staff member. Here’s looking towards 2018!

Categories
Conventions Personal Special Features

An Untitled Treatise on The Fallout from Convention Drama

I try not to get very personal here since I don’t intend this blog to be a “diary,” but in this case I feel like this situation might resonate with others in some way, since it’s related to things a lot of us go out of our way to experience – fandom conventions and interpersonal relationships. I also thought it might be good for my own well-being to talk through it and work it out a little bit before I bring it to a formal therapy session. So feel free to skip this one if you’re just here for the anime and lolita fashion. I promise I’m not insulted <3

This past weekend was CONvergence in Minneapolis, a large local fandom and media convention that lasts for four days around Independence Day every year. I started attending this convention around ten years ago when some friends of mine wanted to enter the masquerade and needed some warm bodies for the rather huge (and funny) production (I hesitate to say “skit” since there was singing and items planted in the audience… and it was quite involved). I had so much fun that year that I came back for the next, then the next… I’ve always been a fan of quality over quantity, and thus only attend a few conventions a year. CONvergence has always been on my list.

Some things happened last year at the convention that spoiled what was otherwise a really awesome weekend. I’ll spare everyone the fine details, because that’s not the point (and it’s easy enough to search out what happened, there was some internet press about it). The short answer is that someone made a joke, it wasn’t funny, it hurt some people, there was a big blow-up online about it, and suddenly I (and, several others, from what I gathered) ceased to feel safe around my fellow CON attendees. The feeling descended like a black cloud and spoiled what was otherwise a fun weekend where I had a lot of other positive experiences. I (and others) felt that the response from the convention wasn’t swift or decisive enough, the people associated with the “event” weren’t apologetic even after several people had voiced their hurt (note: if your comedy is hurting sexual assault survivors or otherwise “punching downward,” you’re doing it wrong), and the whole ordeal left a really bad taste in my mouth. I decided it was time for a break and didn’t register for the 2016 convention, and there were a few other close friends who made the same decision.

The subject would come up again every couple of months; one friend of mine had put a lot of hard work into getting people to fill out feedback surveys and get the concerns heard by the convention committee in an attempt to either get a substantive response or to have them beef up their staff training and response to future issues of the same nature (which it sounds like they eventually did – kudos to the con on that point and in general I’m complimentary towards steps they’ve taken since even if it wasn’t as quick as I would have liked). I voiced my opinion online a couple of times, primarily on Facebook though I did fill out a very extensive feedback survey as well. Some people were supportive, some people tried to CON-splain to me about why I was being “unreasonable” (and I utilize quotes because there’s always someone who pops in to tell me that my legitimate feelings that I’m feeling for reasons that I explain pretty completely aren’t legitimate for this, that, and the other reason because they didn’t feel the same way and also I don’t understand the full situation or how conventions work ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Even though I have staffed another similarly-sized local convention for ten years. But whatever!). The point is that I felt pretty secure in taking a year off and letting things fall where they were going to fall. It was nice to feel a little bit of solidarity from my friends since I always worry that I’m overly-sensitive. I’d never ask anyone outright to give up their convention experience just for my sake, but I was glad to know I wasn’t the only one feeling my feelings.

Last week (a couple of days before the convention), I attended an event with several friends and learned that, sometime within the last couple of months, they had decided to attend the con. I’m not going to pick apart who originally said they were or weren’t going and who had planned to go all along because it’s not important and I’m honestly not sure. I’m also not criticizing anyone’s choice to go and have a great time, because that’s not something that I would want anyone to feel bad about. But after trying to hide my surprise and voicing an admittedly kind of pathetic offer of free “limo service” to any off-site restaurants so that people wouldn’t need give up their parking spots (the food options immediately around the con hotel are kind of crappy and my sweetie and I live in an apartment very close by), I kind of spent the rest of the evening off in my own brain somewhere. The next couple of days found me very angry, then for about a day-and-a-half I became profoundly depressed (the type of depression where about all I did for a day was lay on the couch in a daze and not do anything of use besides drop the occasional tear out of my eyes). It wasn’t really that I wanted to go (and in fact I still didn’t and truthfully couldn’t – I couldn’t afford or justify the $120 at-the-door price of admission for the weekend, and I didn’t have the ability to take any time off from work). It was more that, in that moment I was reminded of what it feels like to be excluded and forgotten. To not be part of the “in” crowd.

I think as geeks we can get so insular that we forget that people are people, no matter what group they’re in. I’m very introverted and (though I risk retribution for even alluding to this) I spent quite a while having my friendships and activity choices subtly policed, manipulated, and controlled. Eventually I sort of lost the drive to leave the house and spend time with people, even to maintain friendships. And it’s really unreasonable to expect people to remember, let alone go out of their way to contact, someone who hasn’t done a very good job of making themselves present or upholding their end of a friendship. I literally don’t know how to friend, sometimes.

I was also reminded that my problems are just that – my problems. Whatever problem I had with the convention is mine to deal with, and it would be silly to expect others to react as dramatically to something that is based so much around my own feelings and history.

In any case, I realized after a while that it wasn’t jealousy or a desire to be at that hotel for that convention that was getting me down so much (though I did read through the programming guide and there were a lot of things I’m sad I missed, and I really lived vicariously through all the photographs that were and still are being posted online), it was more just knowing that I was outside looking in all along, and I should have known better. It’s kind of the same way with my friends from high school – I see them visiting one-another and interacting and I know a lot of them keep up their relationships and friendships with one-another, and all I feel like I can do is ask “how in the world do people achieve that?” It’s such a huge mystery to me, because I always just feel like I’m creeping on other people, looking through the window at them as they live their lives. I think I’m a nice person and I can kind of bribe people with food, but I’m sort of confounded by that next level and how to get there.

The one other thing that hurts my heart, which is one hundred percent my own fault, is that in choosing not to attend the convention in the manner that I did, I made my boyfriend feel obligated to sit it out with me. Last year was his first CONvergence, and he had an awesome time. And then I took that away. I’m the type who would have told him to go without me if I were more aware, but I just assumed that he felt the same way I did without asking and that was wrong to do. I feel profoundly guilty because of that.

I think ultimately the shock of feeling totally justified in what I was doing and then suddenly being faced with a huge pile of conflicting evidence just shook me down to my center, and I no longer know where I stand. I have no idea what I’m going to do for next year. My heart aches for what I’ve missed but I think in all my outspokenness I may have simply just made myself unwelcome. I still have fears about the type of people who would say the types of things that were said in the big Facebook blow-up of 2015 (it boiled down to a strong lack of empathy towards survivors and those triggered by slut-shaming and sexual assault references). I don’t trust the people around me that I don’t know, because they could very easily belittle me and my experiences, or at least that’s the conclusion I came to. I don’t know. I’m feeling very lost and I don’t know what to do about it.

I do want to mention (and end on more positive note) that a couple of people did reach out to me directly over the weekend; that in itself made me feel a little bit warmer and less isolated. I am always very thankful and amazed that there are people who are still willing to make the first move; it kept me from wallowing any deeper, at least.

I don’t think there’s a conclusion here; I don’t know that any person other than myself can say anything to help this. I don’t know if it’s an apology I’m looking for, because I don’t think I’m really owed one, exactly. I’ve always said that the best con drama is the con drama you’re not involved in, and those words are echoing for me right now. I wish the comedian who did the thing at the con last year had just not done the thing, because then none of this would have happened. I wish she’d taken more responsibility after the fact; that would have gone a long way to help, too. I wish people in general were more sensitive to those who have had rough experiences. But I also really wish that I could convey my feelings a bit better, so that maybe more people could understand the kind of emotional hell that I put myself through when these things happen. I try to keep that kind of stuff off the internet because it’s always so personal and it’s easier to let people assume that there’s nothing wrong than to try and explain why something is wrong in a way that they would care about. I feel like talking about it too frequently or at too much length makes it easier for people to just ignore. I don’t know what prompted me to come out and say anything this time, except that maybe the wound is still fresh (and honestly… every mention of how this year’s CON was BEST CON EVER reopens the wound every time I see it. Not that I would have gone! But it feels like rubbing salt in the wound).

Anyway, I thank anyone who at least tried to read some of this, I’m sure it makes very little sense and ended up being kind of a chore, but it feels sort of good to air it out. I don’t know that I’m looking for any advice either; I’ve had people on Facebook say some stuff they thought was helpful (“I’m not going to CON either because of [insert other mundane reason]” or “I didn’t think there was a big enough issue to keep from going” which is all fine but doesn’t amount to much when your heart is hurting) and I think I’d rather just come to my own conclusion and maybe work up towards trying to approach some other people about it. Thanks again.